High-Fives Are Out

Okay, this issue is almost the dead horse of the year, but everyone seems to want to keep fighting for the life of the barbaric ritual known as a high-five. There are numerous reasons that this activity should be curtailed immediately. First, it is silly. Nobody ever, EVER, looks cool (see also--"hip" "rad" "hott" "neat") when giving a high five. Near as I can tell it is something for drunk dudes to do when they want to show friendship without any of the mess of being possibly somehow in a round about way perceived as being desirous of one another. Which brings us to reason two to knock-it-off; association with meatheads. The high-five is so tough-guy-nineteen-eighty-five that it hurts. The only time when a H-F might not make you look like a total meathead is if there is a little jump involved AND both parties completely miss. Then it is kind of funny, and maybe cute in a corny way, but that is the only time. Finally the main reason that the high-five should garner immediate disfavor for participants is that it is over used, played out, far too common. Honestly, it has gotten to the point where people will give eachother the ol' high-five for just about anything. "Hey, you didn't wet your pants today, buddy, good job...how's about a high-five!?" or "Yeah, this pornographic moving picture that I have procured from my father's 'secret' collection is so awesome I'm going to watch it with my male friends, with no women within 3000 yards of us! Where's that five? Up high? You got it!!!" So, basically, the rule on this--as it should be on almost everything in life--is that if you can not imagine someone you want to be (really want to be, like a "role model", not kind of want to be like a celebrity who can get away with being a bonehead just because they are overpaid talking heads with a tan, you know?) doing said activity, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it either.

Another blight on society is the constant complaining by people with access to the internet without the offering of helpful solutions or alternatives. So here are a few of those:
Remember, High-Fives, BAD
Repeated Euro Kisses on the Cheeks, good
Hugs, good
Leaving Someone Alone for a While, good
Side Fives, 'til spring '05 tops
Plutonic Mouth Kissing, good
Random Slow Dance, good
Do-si-do, so rural-retro it can't be bad
Handshake, classic/classy
Longing Glances, better than average
Meaningful Double Hug, awesome
Knowing Glance w/Smile, exceptional
Wink AND Pistol Finger, great...but only when together, never separately.

Aaaaanyway, that is all there is to be said about the subject of high-fives for now. You may still do them if you so desire, but do not get all huffy if someone declines with a look of terror and a shake of the head, they have just moved on, and with their help you too may move on. Try something new and different, watch out for ruts. And come back later for a look at celebrities. Because they deserve it.

-A. R. Leith