Friday, April 08, 2005

What's up Florida?

...Why you acting so crazy?

In addition to the cesspool that I already believed it to be there have been many instances that have lately been brought to my attention giving good reason that the state of Florida should be forced into secession and it's people left to their own devices. The reasons are innumerable, but--for the reasons of clarity and comprehension--will be enumerated here.

Having spent several years living in Florida during childhood I can unequivocally say that it is tantamount to a colostomy bag that miraculously gained statehood. However, the more recent cases of oddity and gross negligence have a more resounding quality than the testimony of a child. And so, they will be related to you forthwith.

Number One- While recently perusing one of my favorite online sites (in this case "Get Your War On") and reading a commentary on the Schiavo case which was at the time raging in the "state-that-shall-not-be-named". The statement made was to the effect that the United States should cut it's losses in Iraq and elsewhere. Where the future former state is concerned the suggestion was that it should be severed from the rest of the country before the "torso" becomes infected, and that the state's residents should be left little more than a goodbye note and a gift certificate to applebees. I applaud this decision and wish to see it carried out as quickly as possible, but that is not the point here. The point is that this innocently funny statement got me thinking about just how many things come out of the state of Florida all bass-ackwards.

Number Two- So, the Schiavo case is number one (hard to believe when we all know USA is #1), number two comes in the form of a couple of other medical oddities. First, the case of Baby Karen--at least I think her name is Karen, and I don't really want to look it up right now. Now poor baby Karen was born without a brain; I know that is unpleasant to think about, but it happens more often than you might want to consider (about one in 10,000 babies in the U.S. are born anacephalic), so we're going to think about it now. Even more unpleasant is the thought of a bunch of dead babies piling up everywhere. That is why it is baffling that the Floridian judicial system would rather have two dead babies than one. You see, the parents of this young baby wanted to donate her usable organs so that other babies might live, because Karen herself would not live more than a week or so. Turns out that is VERY illegal under current Florida law. They would rather ALL of the babies die, rather than only the baby that had no chance of survival anyway.

The second instance was one of a Dentist who was giving his patients the AIDS virus. Apparently he was informed by the Florida board of health that it was perfectly alright for him to continue practicing medicine, and that there was no need for him to inform his patients that he was HIV positive. We all understand that accidents happen, but this is just gross misconduct all around. I'm starting to think that there is something in the water--besides the thousands of pounds of farming chemicals dumped into the Everglades--down there...

Number Three- This one is more political. Actually, this consists of two examples. One is the botched election in 2000. There are rampant accusations of voter fraud in the state of Florida surrounding November of that year, including anyone with a name that even matched that of a convicted felon not being able to vote because they had been removed from the voter rolls. The theory being that most people in prison were non-white. Now these, of course, are simply accusations. They may not be true, and they may not even be founded, but the fact is that something was so screwed up in that state that the door was left open to such accusations, so something isn't being done right.

The second item for number three is that of NASA (which stands for the National aeronautic Something Aruther). They have somehow found a way to reverse Newton's idea that "what goes up, must come down". I suppose they haven't exactly reversed it, as much as they have bent it a little by altering the number of pieces it comes down in. This is kind of cruel, and not really funny, just a fact, and something else that should be fixed before the whole state wins the "Darwin Award".

Number Four- Disney World. It's kind of sad when a company that blatantly alters history, preys on young children, holds cartoons hostage, and employs land purchasing and political tactics that are sketchy at best is the best thing your state has going for it. Actually, it is a toss up between Disney and the whole "Margaritaville" thing for the title of best thing in Florida, but that's still not saying much. I will say this, Disney World is the only clean part of Florida, end of story. Plus, they have a monorail...they just can't let NASA get their hands on that. (For a more in depth look at Disney read Carl Hiaasen's Team Rodent.)

I think that is about all for now. It will at least give some people some stuff to think about for a little while. As usual, comments are welcome. And hey, look on the bright side, this isn't nearly as depressing on a personal level as all that stuff about the ladies. I shouldn't worry, it'll happen when it happens, right?

-A.R. Leith

p.s.- Hey, wasn't Ted Bundy down in Florida too? That's fucking it, get me a scissors and something to lance that thing with. I'll get rid of that boil myself.

Quote: "I'll call you on your shit if you please call me on mine."- Propagandhi

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

That Thing I Forgot...Before

Yeah, I was busy telling all ya'll about what I think about the ladies and it totally made me forget the reason I signed on to dis here ting earlier today:

I was filling my auto with gasoline this afternoon and there was one of those new Chevy Aveo's sitting there in the parking area of my local filling station. I know, not to exciting on it's own, right? But this motherfucker was sitting on DuBs. Like someone spent more money on their wheels than the whole car is worth. It was funny. I got so excited I almost needed a hanky.

-A.R. Leith

Qualifications and random thoughts.

Okay, it occurs to me that simply listing the things that I find desirable in a woman are not really enough. For one thing, there is a good possibility that what I view as fulfilling those qualifications are not necessarily the same as what others might think qualify. So here's a more in depth look at why I'm nearly always single:

Funny- There are a lot of funny people out in the world. However, there is such a variety of funny that it boggles the mind. The kind of funny that I enjoy has to do with A: a woman who "laughs at my dumb jokes when no one does". B: a woman who makes me laugh. There are a lot of people out there who laugh at things that I say...mostly nervous laughter, because they don't know how else to react to some of the things that come out of my mouth, but laughter none the less. But rare is the woman who makes me laugh. I find (and this may not be true, it's just what I think) that many women are too caught up worrying to be able to laugh and see the humor in life. Anybody can laugh at other people--the key to a grrrreat sense of humor is to be able to laugh at the world and, more importantly, at themselves. The perfect test, as it turns out, is if a lady says something mean to you simply respond by saying, "Whatever, you're fat." A gal with a truly great sense of humor will realize that you are joking and laugh. Everybody has flaws, and being able to laugh at our own is the best thing ever. (p.s.- don't ever try this with a girl who actually is fat or you might end up as one half of an ugly murder-suicide...and nobody wants that.)

Intelligent- This one kind of explains itself, so I will only ad that getting good grades in school is only part of it. One must be objective, but remain passionate. Meaning, that you have to be able to understand both sides of an argument before you can pick one. Arguing or holding beliefs based strictly on passion OR objectivity is a dangerous and shortsighted thing. Someone who can do both is a diamond in the rough. Also, in correlation to the above, a girl must be unafraid to tell me when something is un-funny, or stupid. Don't just laugh because something has been said that is odd. If it's not really funny, speak up.

Stylish- Be able to dress for any occasion. If a woman knows what is proper attire for any occasion and has the wardrobe to back it up, that's perfect. That's all there really is to it. Otherwise if you are confident and fun you can pull pretty much anything off. Girls are good like that.

Crass- This goes with the bit about having a good sense of humor. Stupid (silly stupid, not ignorant stupid) things are funny too--don't act like you're too mature to laugh at something random. Acting too good for everything makes people come off as stuck up, and no fun at all. And who wants to hang out with people who are no fun...THAT'S RIGHT, other people who are no fun. Try and keep yourselves out of this group. The list of stupid things that are funny includes, bodily fluids, farts, boobs, butts, people falling down, head injuries (limited mostly to self-inflicted wounds), people who take themselves too seriously, etc. Stay away from these things, but feel free to point and laugh from a distance.

Cute- This is pretty much up to me, except to say that cute is way better than hott. Hott girls are usually too much work and not enough fun to be around, while cute girls are the kind of people who you can hang out with all day and never get tired of. That's just science.

So that's the rundown on the roadmap to my heart. Hopefully somebody worthwhile will find it. But I'm not holding my breath or anything. I do believe in love, I just don't think it is as easy as some people let it be...and that's why there are so many divorces these days.

Okay, I had some random stuff I was going to talk about, but I cannot remember what it is. But that's life, right. I'm getting old. We're all dying. More later.

-A.R. Leith

Quote: "I swear I more than half believe it when I say 'somewhere love and justice shine.'" -the weakerthans