Sunday, March 20, 2005

Professional Mathletes

Okay, since there really aren't such things as pro mathletes (are there?), I cannot imagine why I called this that. So let's talk about something much more upsetting...

Professional Sports- I don't like it, and I'm going to tell you why:

First of all, I see a lot of time wasted by people following their "team". I'm going to let alone the obvious problem of people who refer to the teams in the plural inclusive. Like the kind of person would say "I'm glad WE got rid of Sosa, because he struck out too much." etc. That problem speaks for itself as having to do with those who watch, rather than do. No no, my more recent anger stems from the massive amount of money pro sports garners and then keeps all to itself.

So many athletes out there say they play for the love of the game, but do not let their paychecks reflect that. For example, the recent cancellation of the NHL season because the owners and players cannot come to a reasonable agreement on how many gazillion dollars they are each allowed to make in a season is so fucking weak it makes me sick. And so, for the betterment of sports...nay, all of society, I will here propose several changes that will bring back the purity and pride to professional sports and athletes.

1. None of this "trading" bullshit. An athlete who desires to play a sport professionally must play for the team that is located nearest the city he/she has spent the MAJORITY of their life living in. This will bring back some civic and regional pride in the athletes who represent us, and will eliminate a bunch of transient millionaires who go wherever they can get paid the most.

2. Oh yeah, getting paid. There will be an absolute salary cap on how much an athlete can make from playing games for a living...We're talking a maximum of like $200,000 a year. (This goes for coaches and managers for owners, they won't exist. The team will belong to the city and they can fucking elect front office officials who can make no more than 200k a year. So there.) Ticket prices will remain ridiculously high, and any excess revenue will go into maintaining/refurbishing facilities and to the local schools or other worthy endeavors. This will keep people from getting greedy, and only people who really love the sports will get involved.

3. College athletic scholarships: Okay, I really have no problem with this, because it addresses the above problems. Someone who loves the games getting paid to do it, but getting paid with an that works. Unless, of course, the athletes are getting special treatment in their studies and end up like the UWV athletes I saw on TV last night after their "big win" who weren't really winners at all because they couldn't put two coherent thoughts together. How can you get to be a senior in college and not be well spoken? The world and your educational institution have failed us both...I'm pissed about it, why aren't you? But yeah, otherwise teach the kids for free if they can play ball; that is more of a win win situation.

4. Any city that can field a team gets to play, end of story. We're going back to Little League on this one. But if you can come up with a full roster at the beginning of the season then you should be allowed to play. If you suck then you have incentive to get better. If your city rocks, then keep on keeping on...there will be nice trophies and ceremonies (maybe even a parade!) and the end of every season for your players. Hoorah!

5. Helmets are for pussies. At most pro athletes should be allowed to wear those little leather jobbies with no face mask that footballers used to sport. If you're not skilled enough not to get hit in the head then there is somebody in your home town who might be. Plus, if it turns out you can't dodge that curve ball you get all the goddamn pudding you can handle...forever. If you have questions about this, just look at boxers. They don't wear helmets and pretty much all they do is get hit in the head...and to them cartoons are still funny, so they pretty much rule.

6. Any activity where human power is not the primary mode of motivation is not a sport, PERIOD. NASCAR drivers are not "athletes" for the same reason I don't get a trophy for hopping in the Crown Vic and going to the corner store for milk faster than my neighbor. The car is doing all the work. For the same reasons cart golf is not a sport, while ballroom dancing probably is.

Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry it's been so long between entries. That is, if you care at all. Don't be afraid to comment if you have something to say, or any questions. I like comments. Okay, I'm done. I need to go to bed. Got a big day tomorrow.

-A.R. Leith

Rando Quote of the day: "This is your life. It doesn't get any better than this. This is your life...and it's ending one minute at a time." -Chuck P.

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