Friday, March 25, 2005


Basically it was pointed out to me this morning that my job choices both revolve around the weather. Today it is snowing. If I were still at my winter job I'd probably have wood...but as it is I'm working at a golf course and am pretty much unemployed until the shit melts. So what gives with that. All it leaves me with is these afternoons where all I have to do is sit around fostering one of two thoughts...

One: Someday I might have money...either from working very, very hard, and saving it all so I can give it to somebody else later in life, or through some lottery route. Either way I generally turn on golf or baseball or something and think about architecture until I fall asleep on the couch and miss a bunch of phone calls that would invite me to do something that could be fun. It sucks, except now I have a ton of house designs built up in my head...which on second thought is about as useful as a handful of wishes. So it's not all that productive. I'll try to stop doing it. Which would be easier if I wasn't depressed and sick with mono. (Clinically I don't know if either of those statements is true, but they are my informed guess.)

Two: Similar situation, except rather than architecture it's about women. I'm going to go ahead and lay it down here. (Actually this happens all the time, walking, driving, sitting in class, open heart surgery, skydiving, anytime these thoughts about girls just pop into my head.) The point is this. There have been five women that I have known in my life that could have been THE there are many ones. The point here is that I'm picky as hell, and cannot find the right girl for me. I have only ever dated one of these five, and it ended badly, but that's life, right? The others have not worked out for a myriad of reasons. Not least notably of which is that I often fail to talk to them and tell them how I feel about them. Yeah, it's my fault, but I fear rejection.

It also doesn't help that I spend a lot of the time listening to the emo. It makes me sad about girls and fear the worst. Right now I'm pining for number five and dunno what to do about it. I wish there were a better way to find out if someone else was interested in you. I've just read an article about it and I'm going to try to put some of those techniques to use, but who knows where that will lead. Strangely women that I find attractive are among the very few things that really scare me about life. I guess I'm just a pussy.

In the past I have mentioned the five things that I look for in a women...I thought of more today, but mostly that come later in relationships. Like gregariousness. (or even knowing what that word means...that'd be a good start.) But yeah, I'm shy and quiet--until I get to know a person or group of people, that is--and so it would be nice if I could date someone who is more outgoing than me. Subconsciously I think that is a reason I like for a girl to make her intentions known first. But that doesn't always work out. And as we all know- "Life sucks, get a fucking helmet."

Okay, back to the snow at hand. I'm over winter. This year sucked because I couldn't ski with the kids. I hate skiing by myself. In fact, I hate doing pretty much everything my I'm looking forward to summer. That's about all there is of that.

Totally off subject: I was half asleep on the couch the other day when I had this dream/vision/whatever of this girl from one of my classes just coming over and laying on top of me and we both fell asleep. Not necessarily sexual, but very nice indeed. I don't know what to make of it all. Life is weird. I'm tired of typing now, I'm going to read more. Wish me luck on everything, I'm going to need it.

-A.R. Leith

"Assign me to a nice girl, so she can ruin me...eternally."- Jawbreaker

1 comment:

Larakin said...

Good luck on everything!!

At least you are not sitting in a dark cubicle writing code on a great clear saturday morning!