Thursday, February 24, 2005


Sorry to everyone about that other thing I wrote. Actually, sorry about all the things I have written. There seems to be something fundamentally wrong with me. Aside from the desire to make others think about their thoughts (Which, more often than not, makes me look like an angry dick (which I kind of am) and makes other people mad...I don't want people to be mad, I want people to be happy.) While we're on the subject of apology, I'm sorry about everything I did and didn't do for the last two weeks.

What does depression feel like?

Nothing is getting done. I'm not going anywhere, and all I ever want to do is sleep. Is that healthy? How do you spell mononucleosis? (WebMD wants to know)

The long and the short of it is that I feel like I've been awake for about a month now, even though I was only awake long enough to eat lunch before my first nap today. There is something seriously wrong here, and I don't know what it is. I want to be better, I want to be happy. Happy would be nice. I want to be loved for being chubby and fun. Where are all the girls with the love for the cuddly kid? I met one once...she broke my heart (Kind of...mostly she just dumped me, which is okay, because people shouldn't be together if one of them isn't really happy). Funny, that. It's always cold in the house now. Not like cold between me and the roommates, more like cold because the weather sucks and the heat is never on. But it's hot when I wake up. I don't like that. (I'm not even going to bother to tell you why.) I'm disappointed in Justin. Thanks for following through, Justin. Thanks for the warning. Money is a problem. When isn't money a problem. If you don't have it, you want it. If you have it, you want more. (The only bright point about this is the hobo that was on CSI yesterday. Maybe I should be a hobo. He found a wallet on a dead body and bought himself a suit with it. I'd like a new suit. Bums don't care about society that much. If it feels good it's okay. I want it to be okay to feel good.) There was once a band that said, "If they don't care, why should I care. But I say...If I don't care, why should anyone care?". I always liked that line. Finding someone to spoon with shouldn't be hard, but it is. Most people (women) assume that spooning will lead to sex. Not if I can help it. I think I'm scared of sex. It's kind of gross, all that sloppiness and possibility for unknowns. "Why would someone want to attach themselves to another person in that manner? There has got to be a better way to show you care. Like giving someone some flowers, or leaving them alone for a while." Sure, it feels good...for a little while. YOu know what feels better? That's right, having someone who is fun to hang out with all the time. I need more of those people. Is the future supposed to be terrifying? Because it kind of is. Very imposing. Why is it that all the Asian girls on campus wear scarves all the time? Was there a memo?

So, there all that is. It just kind of came out. If you read it, I hope you enjoyed it (You probably didn't). Yeah. I'll try not to get so personal anymore.


Look at me, apologizing all over the place like I'm Canadian.

-A.R. Leith


Larakin said...

First off, Im sorry about monday, but I had a freind in town too, I know I implied I would help, but I also know I had the clause "depending on what brendan and I decided to do." I fully expected crappy weather and to be back on sunday, but it didnt work out that way and I dont get very many opportunities like that.

On the other note, you cant be depressed, you are one of the happiest people I know and that is a good thing (even though you come off as angry alot ;-)). I enjoy your company, so does everyone else (life of the party so to speak).

Anyway let me make it up to you tonight. Come over to my house invite all your friends, drink all my beer, play some pool, and generally enjoy yourself.

Larakin said...

Oh, the other comment I wanted to make... the hobo on CSI, was his name Walter? if it was it was played by "Star Trek's Wil Wheaton" you can read about it here. (

psypsyche said...

"I'll try not to get so personal anymore."
- but it's your blog!

A. R. Leith said...

I'm not entirely sure who this psypsyche person is...check that, Not sure at all would be more apt. Thanks for the comment whomever you are. Although it is MY blog I don't really like to talk about myself usually. It makes me uneasy. But yeah it happens. I also am not sure how much I want people to know about me. But I do appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

Jenny said...


First off, I would like to say that I think you are quite fantastic and hardly alone in your thoughts. It sucks when you like someone and they just don't feel the same way, and amen on the whole spooning thing, personally I prefer to cuddle to anything else, its quite fantastic. Now onto bigger and better things. Society is selfish, people are selfish-you can do things on a basis of being kind and generous but isnt there always an underlying reason, selfish or not? I don't know. Plus, people do have to do whats right by them some times. It is just the way it goes. However, as to your depression, think of ten of the stupidest things that make you happy and do it, two of mine which you can try if you so desire, driving through puddles and swinging at night. Hope you are smiling a little by the end of this. See you soon.