Monday, February 07, 2005


Okay, I know I promised I wouldn't do this anymore, but tough, you all have to read this...and ENJOY it. If I find out that you have not been enjoying it, there will be [ominous but non-specific] trouble.

I received this bit of gaffery from a young lady who shall remain nameless. I found it insulting, just a bit weird, and funny all at the same time. She asked me to respond to it personally, but I thought my responses and ideas to be so profound that everyone should read this business. My comments are the ones in parentheses. Enjoy:

What guys really mean when they say...
1. What he says: I love you> >What he means: Go down on me (Whatever, Ms. Garcia, I think you know my opinion on using the word "love", and if I want someone to go down on me I'll ask...or go down on her first, and hope she returns the scratch my back and all that.) 2. What he says: I need you> >What he means: My hand is tired (Depending on context the phrase "I need you" from me would mean "My hand is caught in the garbage disposal, please bring cooking oil." Or "I have a sickening pit in my stomach when you're not around."--depending on context.)
3. What he says: I’m sorry> >What he means: I’m not above begging for sex (I'm NOT above begging for sex, but it goes more like "C'mon, just tug on it a few times." I'm sorry means I did something stupid without thinking first, and you were right, god, stop bringing it up.)
4. What he says: You’re beautiful> >What he means: I’d do you (This one is absolutely true, but goes only so far as physical appearance. A lot of women are beautiful, just not on the inside.)
5. What he says: It’s a guy thing> >What he means: It’s not my fault (When a guy says this it probably means that "I don't really understand this myself, and therefore cannot explain it to you. I feel stupid about that.")
6. What he says: We need to talk> >What he means: I’m dumping you (Or...I failed a very important blood test. Either way it's not as pleasant as "I'd like to talk to you..and possibly tell you how much I like your new haircut and shoes.")
7. What he says: Let’s just be friends> >What he means: I want to sleep with your friends (This is not true, I probably don't even LIKE your friends. ha! This probably means I don't really like women, and would like to try some stuff out with Fred from accounting.)
8. What he says: It’s just not working out> >What he means: You’re not putting out (Or: "Stop talking to me so much. And why are you wearing my boxer shorts!?")
9. What he says: It’s not what you think> >What he means: It’s what you think (Did you surprise me in the living room with the vacuum cleaner and a bottle of lube? Then it's what you think, but a better statement would be "I know this looks bad, but I assure's for science.")
10. What he says: What would you like to do> >What he means: Where would you like to do me (In this case I actually have a sever decision making disorder, so I probably want to leave the couch, but can't think of a good reason to.)
11. What he says: I like independent women> >What he means: That way I don’t have to spend the night after I do her (Or I just like intelligent women, which is better.)
12. What he says: What’s your sign/what’s your major/can I buy you a drink> >What he means: God I hope she swallows (Games are funny. Asking straight up to spoon is always the best policy. Kick her out of bed if she tries to push you into going farther than you want on the first date. Girls are so needy.)
13. What he says: That’s a nice dress/shirt/hair/eyes/shoes> >What he means: Nice breasts (It is becoming readily apparent that women don't think very highly of men, and I'm not saying that is unjustified, just that it's not fair. If women don't appreciate their bodies being appreciated they should wear baggy sweatsuits all the time. Otherwise just say thank you to a compliment and hope he likes you for more than whatever he complimented. If he doesn't then he's probably not a good guy to be dating. Too many women date shitty guys and I don't know why. Also, if I like your breasts I'll probably tell you that you have fabulous breasts, and ask to play with them a know, in a strictly platonic way.)
14. What he says: I like a woman with a sense of humor> >What he means: ...on her knees (Do guys really act like this? What are these accusations being based on? If a guy says this he either means "I like a girl who makes me laugh." or "I like a girl who laughs at my dumb jokes." One truly enjoys a woman with a sense of humor, the latter enjoys women who are dumb and think he's cute. werd.)
15. What he says: I won’t tell anyone> >What he means: Except all the guys I know (WTF, negative stereotypes are damaging and hurtful. And you should really only tell people in other states.)

Okay, that's all that I have time for right now. Plus I don't like to think...and that is all the questions on the GD email. Sometimes typing is tiresome, you know what I mean? (rhetorical) If anyone has any ideas about topics that they would like to know about...anything in the whole wide world, email me. This'll be fun. It's like a school assignment without the grades...or recognition.

-A.R. Leith


Larakin said...

Right on man!! I laughed the whole time! I have probably gotten that email 10 times now, yours was way more fun!

Lyzzie pooh said...

Andy you never cease to amaze me with your wit and intelligence. I swear I laughed the whole time I read that partly because its funny that you came with all those answers considering you are the farthest thing from the stereotypical male I have ever met and...I love you for that.