Monday, February 07, 2005

Sorry, Mom...Sorry, God.

The title for this entry is for the last entry. I re-read it after having posted it and realized that there was some coarseness in it that might upset people like my mother. So, Mom, don't read the post below this one. And if you DO read it, don't say I didn't warn you. That being said it's time to move on to newer, fresher topics.

I kind of hate to be self-referential, but I have been thinking all afternoon about the post made earlier. (Okay, A: I don't really "hate" to refer to myself, I can just think of more interesting people to talk about. B: When talking about myself I am kind of uneasy, especially because sometimes...a lot of the time...people don't realize/think I am being honest and truthful. I usually am, because it is funnier.) I would now like to hedge my qualifications for everything written earlier today: I honestly have no idea where I get off trying to comment on how men think, or women think, and I certainly cannot be held accountable for my comments on where these two thinking groups meet.

I am essentially terminally single. I don't know why that is. I think I'm a real catch. Billy Burning says I'm the most eligible bachelor in Durango. My aforementioned mother would probably concur on my "catch" status, but she is bias. What it all boils down to is that I do not understand women even a little bit. I cannot read them, I get flustered around them, and sometimes I literally can't understand them...they tend to mumble and I think my hearing is going anyway. If I think a girl is cute and stylish I cannot function around her. It takes me 4-E-Ver to get up the nerve to even talk to them, and then there is the stage where my brain and mouth do not function properly together and communication is limited. (This is part of why I think proper introductions are important, because it takes away the initial pain of approaching a stranger.) I also feel silly just walking up and talking to women that I don't know and have no legitimate reason to be talking to. It just all seems so stilted and awkward. Basically I do not know what to do and am in dire straits when it comes to the ladies...I think I'm worth dating, but cannot get to that point to test out my theory. (My being picky doesn't help either--I'll probably die single and lonely.)

So, I've been working out. My new plan is to get very buff and make myself as attractive as possible to the fairer gender (fluffing my plumage, if you will...) so that I might be able, in the near future, to attract a mate. The trouble with the social awkwardness mentioned above is that I'm pretty fun to hang out with and all that, it's just that a lot of gals will never find that out because I'm quiet in a lot of social settings, and as my sister says, my "face is kind of scary and mean looking" when I'm just walking around pretty much thinking of nothing. So whatever, hopefully I will be able to sell a lot of tickets to the gun show and have a few nice dinners. Because so far I've not seriously dated any woman who did not approach my amorously first. So maybe I should just sack up and talk to them, and stop being such a snob about personality, right?

So to summarize, girls are terrifying; but that's probably my fault. I'm going to be jacked so that I will have the ability to lift all sorts of cumbersome objects above my head--possibly I may even progress to being able to heave them, only time will tell. And again, sorry mom, for all the mistakes and errors in judgment, past and future.

Goodnight Springton, there will be no encore!

-A.R. Leith

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

knowing you the little that i do i think you are wonderfully funny and honest, buff has nothing to do with it, being true to yourself does, changing physically does not change who you are and if the girl only talks to you due to physical appearance do you really want to hang out with her...

A. R. Leith said...

I don't know who made the other comment here but...Wouldn't the buffness be a "double threat" to go with being fun and honest? A one two punch if you will? Physical attractiveness is more like a foot in the door...the rest is up to personality. I've met plenty of gals that were great until they spoke. Is it true that women look for guys that are "Literate, stylish, kissable and quiet"?...because this one band says they do. Anyone?

Anonymous said...

It would be a double threat, however, if using that as a way to get your foot into the door shouldn't you have slight concern over your foot possibly getting slammed in the door? As part of the elusive female gender, especially after getting done with a rather superficial conversation with a possible love interest it has come to my attention that yes there are girls out there looking for guys who are "Literate, stylish, kissable, and quiet." but more so a guy they can hold an intellectual and passionate conversation with...

Anonymous said...

It would be a double threat, however, if using that as a way to get your foot into the door shouldn't you have slight concern over your foot possibly getting slammed in the door? As part of the elusive female gender, especially after getting done with a rather superficial conversation with a possible love interest it has come to my attention that yes there are girls out there looking for guys who are "Literate, stylish, kissable, and quiet." but more so a guy they can hold an intellectual and passionate conversation with...

Anonymous said...

It would be a double threat, however, if using that as a way to get your foot into the door shouldn't you have slight concern over your foot possibly getting slammed in the door? As part of the elusive female gender, especially after getting done with a rather superficial conversation with a possible love interest it has come to my attention that yes there are girls out there looking for guys who are "Literate, stylish, kissable, and quiet." but more so a guy they can hold an intellectual and passionate conversation with...

Anonymous said...

It would be a double threat, however, if using that as a way to get your foot into the door shouldn't you have slight concern over your foot possibly getting slammed in the door? As part of the elusive female gender, especially after getting done with a rather superficial conversation with a possible love interest it has come to my attention that yes there are girls out there looking for guys who are "Literate, stylish, kissable, and quiet." but more so a guy they can hold an intellectual and passionate conversation with...